***ORIGINALLY POSTED 29DEC07***
Author's note - I really *do* need to do this.
So I have finally come to the end of my rope. I am so sick of always being angry at everything. I was having a conversation with my dad the other day and he said something that has been eating at me for several days. He said that I am too angry, that I sound too much like him and that I am way too young to be this cynical and jaded. I like to think of myself as a realist, most cynics do. But he has a point. What good does it do me to constantly be angry at the stupidity that surrounds me? Am I going to change any of it? No. Is it going to change on it's own? Fuck no. I realize that my anger is not only destroying me, but it is affecting my children. So I have to not only control this anger, but I have to eradicate it from controlling my very being.
So how to eradicate it. That is the key. It does no good to SAY I am going to stop being angry at everything and not do anything about it. One's willpower can only carry so far with no discipline. And we all know that I have very little self-discipline. If I did, I would have a college degree and be making a lot more money than I am right now. But I digress. Back to the how. Is it enough to just change one's viewpoint? Not really. It requires an entire paradigm shift. To achieve such a paradigm shift one has to surround one's self with things that have aspects of the new paradigm. It does no good to simply remove the anger, either. It has to be replaced by something else. It's like a lost love. "Tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all". What horseshit. I'd like to meet the idiot that said that and slap him around for a while. Granted, that won't help my anger issue, will it? Heh. But back to what I said, if you lose a love, ANY love, you have to fill that void with something or it will eat at you eternally. It's hard to fathom that anger can be anyone's "love" but it has been a living, breathing part of me for as long as I can remember.
I once told my mom that in order for us to exist, we must embrace our "Beast", or our primal selves. While this is true, there must be a balance. Embracing it does not mean letting it take control. It means understanding it and using it when necessary but not allowing it to take over our consciousness. This is why I have to eradicate it's hold. I have embraced it to the exclusion of other things.
After pondering this for a while, and believe me this was no new revelation, but it gave me the kick in the shorts, so to speak, needed to realize that this is not going to get better on it's own. I have come to the decision that I cannot do this using the same tactics with which I try to fix everything else. I have to do something completely new and different. But not so different that my mind completely rebels from it. For the longest time I have been utterly fascinated with all things japanese in art. I think I will take it to the next level and begin to immerse myself in their spiritual teachings, the teachings of art, meditation, and war. Wait, back up, what? War? Why the hell would I study the art of war if I am trying to get RID of my anger? A fantastic question. And one that is answered much better by a novel entitled Ender's Game. I suggest you check it out. As for me, I am going to pursue my Zen. Does this mean I will never get angry again or have occasion to rant? Not likely. But it does mean that I will begin the journey towards peace and, hopefully, a kind of enlightenment.
"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom" - Lao Tzu - Tao Te Ching
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