Changes

Standing at the bus stop yesterday I had a sudden epiphany.  Some small part of me has been waiting for the Singularity.  This part of me firmly believes that we will achieve being able to transfer a mind into a machine and live on forever, and that it will happen in this life time.  Who knows, maybe it will happen, but what it also made me realize is that this part of me is an idiot.  As much as I hate modern medicine – correction, as much as I hate doctors who think they know more than everyone else because they went to school a little longer – this same part of me (or maybe one of his buddies) also believes that no matter what I do to myself, that modern medicine will fix me. 

For as smart as I am about so many things, this one leaves me baffled now that it’s been exposed.  Why would I think that?  Why would I do all of these things to my body, all of this destructive shit, in hopes that somehow it can be later fixed? 

Another part of me does comparisons when I’m out and about.  “Holeee shit, look at that guy, no way I’m that big.  I’m good.  See? He’s, like, 50 and not dead yet.”  I swear my brain is actively trying to kill me. 

I have Type 2 Diabetes, a fact that should come as a shock to no one.  I have a love-hate relationship with sugars and carbs.  I love them, they hate me, and my body gets pissed that I keep eating them. My body doesn’t care that someone else is fatter than me, or has more problems than me, it just cares that I’m killing it, and it would like me to kindly knock it  the fuck off. 

At the same time I am always angry about something.  Angry at the stupidity around me; angry at this, angry at that.  To what end?  What does this anger do for me?  So I can die early on a righteous kick, knowing in the end that I was still right, but that I died young because I couldn’t de-stress? Fuck that. 

At this stage of my life, everyone expects it.  I’m the cynical one, the realist, the angry young man, yada yada yada.  I’m pissed at the government for taking away rights that I feel are my due, but don’t actively have a need to exercise.  For what?  I need to take care of myself, take care of my family.  Be there for them and love them.  I’m tired of feeling like I have to be angry to amuse people.  I admit that it’s funny, but it’s literally killing me to continue.

I’m constantly stressed about everything.  I am always feeling pressure to study and learn so I can move forward in my career.  I work 50+ hours a week and then come home and try to cram more stuff in my head so that I can work even more hours and make the same amount of money.  All in the hopes that in five years or so I can make a change and start making better money living somewhere more pleasing than this fucking hellmouth they call Tucson.  The problem is that it gets overwhelming and instead I just sit there and watch TV until it’s time for bed, rather than reading and doing what I need to do.  All the while yelling at my kids and my wife because “Daddy just needs some quiet time”. 

I need to heal.  I need to de-stress.  I want to get back into martial arts as a way to release some of the physical stress that I put my body under in reaction to my mental stress.  I want to get rid of shit that I don’t need that just piles up around me because of my obsessive need to keep everything that means something.  And believe me, when you’re like me, EVERYTHING means SOMETHING.  I need discipline and I need order.  I need to remove my overwhelming desire to make sure everyone else abides by the same rules of conduct that I hold myself to, or the desire to let those that don’t know exactly how they are wrong.

Yes, I know, #firstworldproblems or #whitewhine.  But you know what? I don’t give a fuck.  I recognize that there are many, many people out there that do not have as good a life as I have.  That’s fine.  They made their choices, I need to make mine.  I refuse to die young because I couldn’t get over the wrongs that others perpetrate from their stupidity and lack of caring.  If it doesn’t directly affect me or mine, it does me no good to be angry about it.  It’s time to use my apathy to do myself some good for once.