How to order tacos without being a bitch.

I went into Chipotle tonight to get a couple burritos for the wife and I. In front of me was this yuppie in her "scrub clothes" (read t-shirt and designer jeans with no makeup) holding a four year old. She goes up to order and asks for a Burrito Bol, three tacos and a taco on the side. The guy looks at her, obviously confused, and goes "What was that?" "I want three tacos and one on the side" "On the side of what?" "It's for him," and she nods at the kid. So he replies "Oh so you want an order of three tacos and an another taco by itself?" She goes completely cold. I was standing two feet *behind* her and I felt a blast of ice. "Yes, that's what I said when I said I wanted one on the side." The guy gets a little uncomfortable and tries to make a joke... he kind of giggles and goes "I just wasn't sure what you wanted it on the side of." She just stared him down. He finishes making what she wanted with her being a total douche to him. She gets passed off to the next person responsible for salsa and toppings, and I walk up to the counter. I started ordering and I could tell that the guy was uncomfortable so I lean in and go "Yeah, dude, I think you ruined her whole day with that on the side business." He chuckled and immediately relaxed. So I get near the end, passed off to the condiment lady, tell her what I want and I hear "The Bitch" complaining to the cashier. She was trying to do it quietly but I heard her say how rude the guy was and that she was never coming back because of his attitude, yada yada yada. I saw the guy keep looking over and he looked like he was getting nervous again. The cashier asked if she wanted to talk to the manager but the douchecunt just waved her off and stormed out. I walked up to the cashier, handed my credit card and said (rather loudly) "For the record he wasn't rude in any way, shape, or form, she was just being a bitch." I'm pretty sure she heard me and I saw the guy grin.

Normally I am the one pissed at the less than intelligent fast food workers, but that guy was honestly confused because she made no fucking sense. I would have reacted exactly the same as he did. Who orders three tacos with one taco on the side? On the side of what? Why not just order four tacos? Or say "I need an order of three tacos and then one extra one"? That makes a shit ton more sense than one on the side.

I wonder if she asks for sex with cock on the side.

Obituary

At 423 years old, Sir Lord Goatama Himself, was the oldest, most cantankerous asshole on the planet for the last several centuries. He flew his car himself right up until the day he died from sheer exhaustion after pleasing every playmate at the new Playboy Amusement Park in what used to be sunny Southern California, but is now known as The Floating City of Debauchery. He is survived by more children, grand children, great grandchildren, etc etc etc than the mythical/biblical Abraham. In fact, it is believed that everyone on the planet is somehow tied to this multi-billionaire, either through birth or marriage. His most significant accomplishment in his long-ass life was abolishing the entire "PC" movement. He is quoted as saying "Fuck political correctness right in its ear."

When are T.H.E.Y. gonna get it?

It saddens me to realize that The International Organization of T.H.E.Y. is never going to "get it". This country is still run by a government and corporations that are stuck in 19th century mindsets. Schools are primarily setup in the same way they have been almost since their inception. Nobody is taking into account that the world is different, the people are different, the technology is different. We no longer learn by being lectured to, we no longer understand by rote. We have to change the way things are being done.

I just finished the finale of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I am pretty sure they are not going to renew it for another season. Do you want to know why? Because TV networks are still doing everything by Nielsen ratings. Are you kidding me? Raise your hand if you still watch ALL your shows ONLY when they are aired. Interesting, I don't see any. Um, you in the back, you can put your arm down. Nobody likes you anyway. Instead we watch TV on DVRs, TiVos, Hulu, iTunes, and network websites. We watch shows when WE want to. Our lives are too sporadic to live by a schedule determined by dumbasses in thousand-dollar suits. Yet they still gauge everything they do by those little Nielsen boxes. I'll tell you what, I have seen too many shows go the way of the dodo because of those fucking boxes. When are they going to get a clue? I read once that the reason they don't take all the other sources into account when they tabulate their data is because it's too much information. So we get shows like Firefly, Dresden Files, Moonlight, and TSCC cancelled because they just want to hit a button and see the Nielsen scans. While shows like Survivor go on for season after season. It sucks because we are letting everything be dictated by the few idiots that watch their shows at specific times. We are pandering to those that have no lives. That pisses me off.

It seems that instead of getting better, this stuff is getting worse. The internet is no longer just a tool for geeks and nerds, it is accessible to anyone and everyone. Don't believe me? Just watch a video on YouTube - any video really - and read the comments posted. You'll find that the majority of the people commenting are certainly NOT geeks and nerds. Yes, the internet is still mainly run by the smart people, but with Web 2.0 you'll find more and more that everyone has discovered they can make their voices heard, for good or ill. Yet corporations still think it's a fad. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to a company's website and found that information hasn't been updated in over a year. Why is this? What will it take for society's leaders to wake up and tap into this vast world of cyberspace? For something other than advertising, that is.

Damned paranoia

So once again my paranoia has reared it's ugly head to bite me square in the ass. Let me take you through an example of why healthy paranoia is not always fun and games.

Two years ago I signed up for Vonage. Among it's plethora of features was the option to block calls that came in with caller ID blocked. Fast forward to two nights ago. I was looking at Verizon's website to see how much it would cost to add data to my plan so I could surf the interwebs on my phone. In the features section I saw that I could add Caller ID blocking to my phone for free. Thinking this would be nice since sometimes I have to call teachers from my cell phone and I would rather they not have the number, I checked the box and saved my changes. I'm sure you can see where this is going. I didn't think a thing of it until today when I got in the van from work and tried to call home. I got the message "We're sorry but the party you are calling does not accept calls from blocked numbers at this time. Please try your call again." Oh yeah, cause I am sure LATER will be different. No option to dial 1 to unblock my number and continue the call. No instructions to hang up and dial *82 and the number. Since I didn't get an option I wasn't sure if there even was a way to call and unblock my number since this was VOIP and what not. But I tried *82 anyways and it worked. Yay. *Note to self, try to keep all paranoid precautions in mind when making changes to one's various services.

Suicide and Jail? Wut?

We were watching World's Scariest Dumbass Criminals - or some shit - tonight, and I saw something that triggered a thought train I've had numerous times in the past. Why do we put dumbasses that threaten to commit suicide in jail? Or even better, why do we put dumbasses on Death Row on Suicide Watches? Does this make any fucking sense to anyone else? We spend billions of dollars a year keeping people on Death Row healthy just so we can eventually kill them? Or how about people who are in prison for life without the possibility of parole? Those guys live better than most of the rest of the world. Including the 12.5% of Americans at or below the poverty level.

How.. wha... who thought this was the right way to do things? I mean c'mon, this is ridiculous. We have population problems as it is, I say we do some serious purging of our jail systems. Let the potsmokers and kids that were dorking their 16 or 17 year old girlfriends when they were 19 or 20, out. Let the white collar criminals and the hackers out on "community control" or probation or whatever. Kill the fuckin' child molesters (*note* the word child as defined as a young person between birth and puberty), the murderers, the career felons, the coke/meth/heroin dealers/addicts and let's start the fuck over. That still leaves plenty of people in jail for other shit, but will save the American taxpayers billions. Maybe we can use that money to reshape the current justice system. I'm tired of reading about police so ignorant of technology that they think linux users are cyber-terrorists or some shit. Constantly I hear about police raids and judge verdicts that are based on complete ignorance of the technology they are ruling on. We need to setup a justice system that is specifically trained for certain cases. Judges and prosecutors and police that are current with technology. The same for sex crimes, for drug crimes and for violent crime. I mean hell, they allegedly have special victims units dedicated to this shit but really it just seems like the cops are about as clueless as the judges and attorneys. Have you ever seen a lawyer specializing in cyber crime defense? I haven't either. Our society is (d)evolving too damn fast to be basing court decisions on cases made decades or even centuries ago.

They say there is nothing new under the sun. I call Rule 34 on that shit. Confusing? Too bad, cause we are moving too fast for you not to know what I am talking about. We need a fucking revolution and there are too many god-damned sheeple out there to make it happen.

Fatties <3 CiCi's

So we went to CiCi's Pizza tonight for the first time. And hopefully for the last time. Other than the fact that I turned into an absolute bear after dinner because my sugar shot up to over 330, I realized that CiCi's is everything that is wrong with our society. Let me tell you why. You can go there and get unlimited Pizza, Pasta, Breadsticks and Dessert. For $5.49. Oh, and some salad. But we were the only ones I saw getting salad. I went through the line for the first time and as I walked to our table I looked around. Other than the few Fire Dept Paramedics at one table there was one, I repeat, ONE family there that had people smaller than us. And the place was fairly packed. Only about 7 empty tables. At almost every table was a family of fatties. Not just one or two, the whole family.

Cassi went up to the line (we go in turns so one of us can stay with the kids) and as she got through the line, patiently waiting after getting her pizza, she gets to the dessert part and this fat bitch stampedes up from the seating area and takes almost all of the cinnabuns. Cassi grabs the two that are left after this display of self-control by the hefty bitch and sits down. I go up after I eat my pizza to sample some dessert as well and as I am getting up there the same thing happens to me. Tubby McFatass sees me going for the dessert, shoves her way up there and snatches 80% of the cinnabuns. I was like "WTF?" So I get one of the remaining three (there was another guy the bitch cut off who was also waiting) and sit back down. I told Cassi the same thing happened to me. We compared notes on our hippos and found it to be the same hippo on both accounts. So I start to watch her a little bit. She went back to that dessert table no less than four more times and obtained most of the cinnabuns each time. She was sitting with only three people. I'm not sure if she shared, but they were all "large and in charge" to say the least. Now I'm not a thin person, nor is my wife, but god dammit, this made me disgusted. There is not one thing nutritionally redeeming on the menu at CiCi's. And the fatties know it. Boy do they know it.

I don't think we'll be going back there any time soon. Sure it's fairly inexpensive for the wallet. But the cost to your body isn't worth the savings.

Ink

I always love when I am at one of the high schools and a kid spots my tattoos. They invariably ask "Did it hurt?" To which I always reply: "Take a needle. Now jam it into your skin a hundred times a second for over an hour straight. Then get a really bad sunburn on just one area of your body for three weeks and try not to touch it. What do you think?" Now I'm no slouch to pain, but at the same time I am not a fan of it either. I'm not one of those guys that gets all macho and says it feels good or some bullshit, but at the same time I don't sit there and cry about it either. I remember getting my tongue pierced. Trying to eat pizza the next day sucked balls. But when my best friend got it done he screamed and cussed and ran outside and punched a vending machine, almost breaking his hand in the process. Then when he saw me get my second or third tattoo (maybe fourth, I can't remember) he decided to get one, too. He was in tears about halfway through and he got one that is smaller than a silver dollar and not a lot of detail. (It was the kanji for "Tiger")

I guess some people handle pain differently. I've got 7 decent sized tattoos, and had four non-ear piercings and while I can't say they were a blast, I've always enjoyed them. Especially my nipple piercing. >:) In fact I think once I lose 50 lbs I will treat myself to re-piercing my left nipple and getting the right one done as well. Hell maybe only 30. We'll see.

Chewbacca or Darth Vader?

So I was leaning back in my chair and rubbing my eyes at work as I am wont to do when I am problem solving something that doesn't make sense. As my eyes cleared I noticed that a ding in the ceiling tile above my head looks like either Chewbacca (the wood underneath is the same color and almost has eyes a nose and mouth) or Darth Vader (the shape look like his helmet). I just cracked up. Enough to where people came down the hall to figure out what was wrong with me. ><

RIF

After reading Stina's post about RIFing and DITing, I thought I would add my two cents. One of the girls that I work with daily got a RIF letter so her last day is the 30th of June. It sucks because there aren't a whole lot of people that I can work well with and she is one of them. Now they are going to bring in some old hag from one of the schools to take her place and what am I gonna do? I don't do well with people I don't know and/or don't like. I mean I use her login all the time to go shopping for stuff I want/need for work. Is the new lady gonna let me do that? Prolly not. All selfishness aside, though, it sucks because she is very suited for her position. When the district did their RIF they didn't take into account whether someone was A) Competent, B) Knowledgeable or C) Works well with others in the department. All they did was look at someone's position and their time in that position. The person could have been with the district for 30 years, but if they recently took a promotion they got cut. It's ridiculous. They need to have a "Worth-A-Fuck" meter. If they are low then they get axed. But if they do a job that few people are competent enough to do, then they shouldn't get RIFed. For example, the secretary I work with has to deal with teachers on a regular basis. The other person they bring in will probably not have had to do that, and believe me, that is no walk in the park. So she deals with pissy, demanding teachers, two people that fight like an old married couple (me and the other girl in the dept) and then she has to deal with my moodiness and demands all while putting in purchase orders and making sure she is still taking care of our director as well. That's a demanding job and I don't think many other secretaries of her level would even be capable of doing it, let alone willing. This is dumb.

Another shitty part is that our salaries are funded federally. We don't cost the district a dime. Yet they get to determine who gets to keep the job? I call bullshit.

We need to send our legislature a fucking wake up call. Arizona is 49th in the country for a REASON and cutting education even more is NOT going to fix that. One of our douchebag legislators actually said "Face it, education does not create jobs". No shit, Sherlock. But it *does* ensure that we have people educated and trained enough to GET jobs. Fucking ass hat. Maybe if we revamped our education system we could teach kids and prepare them for jobs they'll be getting when they get out of school. We need to stop thinking of education in the 19th century classroom format, we need to adapt. We need to innovate. Watch these videos and you'll see what I mean:

Change * (This one has Uncle Phil in it)

Did you know?

*Note - The point of this is not an ad for Kaplan, I don't support them any more than I do any of the other crappy, overpriced online colleges, the point is the message it sends.

Wow... people are fucked.

So after reading about 60 pages of FML - fmylife.com (yeah, the F stands for what you think it does) I realized that I am not quite the asshole/bastard we all think I am. Granted I am not in high school, nor am I college aged, so that explains quite a bit of it. But man, people now days are just fucked up. A lot of the entries almost sound like punch lines to mean jokes and I wonder how many of them actually are, but I also notice that a lot of them probably aren't made up. Now some of them clearly have back stories that give reasons for people's actions, but even still a lot of it is pretty sad. Granted I also read a bunch of stories about guys wanting to propose to their girlfriends who really didn't care about them and I wonder just how so many people van be so naive to what their partner is thinking/feeling. I never in a million years would have proposed to my wife if I thought for an instant that she wouldn't say yes. If I had even a fraction of doubt I would've waited.

So yeah, I'm just a guy who can't stand stupidity and generally doesn't like 99.9999998% of the human population.

A.A. - Accessorizers Anonymous

I came to a realization this morning on my way to work. A memory from my childhood triggered it. Well, from my teenage years, which weren't really all that long ago.

When I was about 15 I discovered cigars. Actually I didn't really discover them since I couldn't smoke. But what I did discover would apparently change me forever. One day while sitting in my favorite bagel shop, I was browsing through the free periodicals they had for their customers to peruse while enjoying one of their famous bagel sandwiches. A magazine I had never seen before caught my eye: Cigar Aficionado. What a great word, that. Aficionado: a person who likes, knows about, and appreciates a usually fervently pursued interest or activity. In this case the magazine wanted you to believe they were talking about cigars. They lie. Upon opening the magazine you find ad after ad after product placement for every type of cigar accessory you could possibly imagine. Now I know what you are thinking, "but Goat, don't you just smoke the cigar? What the hell do you need accessories for?" I'm not quite sure but I can tell you that I wanted them. I secretly purloined said periodical and took it home. In my room I sat there turning page after page lusting after fine calf leather cigar cases, gold cigar cutters, exquisite mahogany humidors, custom Zippo lighters, and on and on and on. It didn't help matters that every article, picture, and ad made sure you were fully aware that if you smoked cigars you would become a Fucking Badass (note the capital letters) but only if you were debonair enough to own all the accessories.

Now at this point I could not yet purchase any of these items on my own, but I deeply desired to be a F.B. as I was told I could be. So I began planning and fantasizing about all the cigar accessories I would buy the second I turned 18. I actually started buying Zippos since nobody cared to card me. I currently have at least six of them with a leather carrying case for whichever one I want to carry that day. I also have dozens of other various lighters. I'm a pyro, hush.

So come my 18th birthday I was all ready to start my road to the gloriousness that being a Fucking Badass would afford me. I went shopping. I started off small, I bought a couple cigars, a leather cigar case, a simple cigar cutter, and another zippo. Holy crapfuck that was expensive. I think I spent a hundred dollars and I didn't even get any really fancy cigars. Unfortunately when I was 18 I was on my own and had to support myself so I had to put an end to that. But the damage was done.

I no longer obsess about cigars, but the problem has just evolved to include my current interests. Now with every piece of technology I purchase, I have to have accessories to enjoy it. I have a carrying case for my flash drives, a case for my hard drives, I have a *different* bag/murse (man purse for the unenlightened) for each of the three laptops I use, including a neoprene case for each of those laptops, I have a geek holster to carry my gadgets on my person, I even bought a case for an iPod touch that I don't even own yet (it was on sale, hush). And the only reason I have so few accessories for these items is because I am limited on my spending by a wife who is far wiser than I.

My name is Goatama, and I have a problem. I am an accessory whore.