A.A. - Accessorizers Anonymous

I came to a realization this morning on my way to work. A memory from my childhood triggered it. Well, from my teenage years, which weren't really all that long ago.

When I was about 15 I discovered cigars. Actually I didn't really discover them since I couldn't smoke. But what I did discover would apparently change me forever. One day while sitting in my favorite bagel shop, I was browsing through the free periodicals they had for their customers to peruse while enjoying one of their famous bagel sandwiches. A magazine I had never seen before caught my eye: Cigar Aficionado. What a great word, that. Aficionado: a person who likes, knows about, and appreciates a usually fervently pursued interest or activity. In this case the magazine wanted you to believe they were talking about cigars. They lie. Upon opening the magazine you find ad after ad after product placement for every type of cigar accessory you could possibly imagine. Now I know what you are thinking, "but Goat, don't you just smoke the cigar? What the hell do you need accessories for?" I'm not quite sure but I can tell you that I wanted them. I secretly purloined said periodical and took it home. In my room I sat there turning page after page lusting after fine calf leather cigar cases, gold cigar cutters, exquisite mahogany humidors, custom Zippo lighters, and on and on and on. It didn't help matters that every article, picture, and ad made sure you were fully aware that if you smoked cigars you would become a Fucking Badass (note the capital letters) but only if you were debonair enough to own all the accessories.

Now at this point I could not yet purchase any of these items on my own, but I deeply desired to be a F.B. as I was told I could be. So I began planning and fantasizing about all the cigar accessories I would buy the second I turned 18. I actually started buying Zippos since nobody cared to card me. I currently have at least six of them with a leather carrying case for whichever one I want to carry that day. I also have dozens of other various lighters. I'm a pyro, hush.

So come my 18th birthday I was all ready to start my road to the gloriousness that being a Fucking Badass would afford me. I went shopping. I started off small, I bought a couple cigars, a leather cigar case, a simple cigar cutter, and another zippo. Holy crapfuck that was expensive. I think I spent a hundred dollars and I didn't even get any really fancy cigars. Unfortunately when I was 18 I was on my own and had to support myself so I had to put an end to that. But the damage was done.

I no longer obsess about cigars, but the problem has just evolved to include my current interests. Now with every piece of technology I purchase, I have to have accessories to enjoy it. I have a carrying case for my flash drives, a case for my hard drives, I have a *different* bag/murse (man purse for the unenlightened) for each of the three laptops I use, including a neoprene case for each of those laptops, I have a geek holster to carry my gadgets on my person, I even bought a case for an iPod touch that I don't even own yet (it was on sale, hush). And the only reason I have so few accessories for these items is because I am limited on my spending by a wife who is far wiser than I.

My name is Goatama, and I have a problem. I am an accessory whore.